INFERTILITY- DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN! The topic that seems to be taboo and I really wish it WASN’T! The more we talk about something that seems uncomfortable (that shouldn’t be), the more awareness we can bring to the topic and make it stop being such a touchy subject.
If you have a friend struggling with infertility, either female or male, I bet you’re wondering what you can say to show support or ask that is safe and hopefully won’t upset them. Try to support your friend.
The most important thing is to be there for them and listen to them. Let them vent, have a shoulder to cry on, be someone to bounce ideas off of. Infertility is a rough struggle. It can feel even more rough if you feel like it’s a topic you have to keep hush-hush about or can’t share your journey.
It takes a lot out of you physically, mentally and emotionally. I know from personal experience -to learn more about our infertility struggle, check out our journey.
Infertility can make you feel like the purpose that you were put here in life to do, to recreate, is not achievable— like you’re a failure. Even though you know you’re far from that.
There is also a laundry list of things you should never say to or ask a couple who is trying to get pregnant but struggling with infertility.
Top 8 Things You Should NEVER Ask Your Friend Struggling With Infertility:
1. “What position are you doing it in? Maybe you’re not doing it in the right one.”
Seriously, I had a “friend” of mine ask me this once. I looked at her and just shook my head. If you seriously think that the reason I am not getting pregnant is because we are having intercourse in the “wrong” position… You have a lot to learn.
So, please, save yourself the look of death from your friend and don’t ever utter such a silly question.
2. “Just let it happen, if you stress out about it, it won’t happen.” Or “Don’t think about it”
This was the number one thing people would tell me. People would ask, so when are you having a baby next? I’d respond with “We are trying, just struggling through my infertility issues” or say something like, “Oh, we are working with Shady Grove Fertility Clinic”.
Most of the time the people would say, “Oh, you don’t need that!” and it was all I could do to not go into a whirlwind long explanation of why we do….. of why we have a next to nothing chance of conceiving on our own…. of why my body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do WHEN it’s supposed to do it- if at all….
So- no, thinking about it is not the problem to my infertility issue…. stressing is the name of the game.
I will stress out.
I know limiting it helps my chances, but, when you’re going through what all we have had to and will have to go through for eventual Sharp Baby Number 2, Stress happens.
Infertility is on my mind 24/7 when we are trying to conceive. I can’t turn it off. You don’t know your friends entire situation, so until you’re educated on it, don’t say things like this….. If you do know the whole ordeal, this thought wouldn’t even cross your mind.
3. “You’re young – it will happen. It just takes time.”
This did nothing but piss me off when someone said this. Obviously, they’re trying to be nice. But, my age has nothing to do with the fact my body simply won’t release an egg at the proper time in my cycle without medication helping it. If you don’t know the full situation, keep your mouth closed with silly comments.
You know the saying, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all—-well heed to it.
4. “How long have you been trying, just give it more time”
This one isn’t that bad, but it’s annoying. Your friend wouldn’t be sharing that she’s having infertility problems if you’ve they’ve been trying for a month or two – unless she had some underlying condition.
5. “Why don’t you just adopt or use a surrogate”
While these options are most likely on the back of our mind, these are not our first- go to options. We’d like to start a family ourselves and if it is becoming impossible, those options are absolutely viable. However, please don’t just throw away our wishes, simply because we are having a hard time for the time being.
It can hurt feelings, like you’re saying we aren’t good enough to do it ourselves, just have someone else do it. I know it sounds silly, but, when you’re already thinking those things and trying to suppress those thoughts, you don’t need somebody saying the same thing to you like it’s no big deal.
6. “Here’s what we did and it worked the first time”
While I am always open for suggestions and glad to hear it worked for you, especially on your first try, I can almost guarantee I’ve tried it already.
I’ve googled and searched Pinterest high and low for every suggestion, tip or trick. I’ve tried every wives tale in the book. I’m sure your friend has too.
7. “So-and-So Got pregnant without even trying — or on accident”
This is like the biggest slap in the face. It’s like torture.
I want to be excited for friends and family when they announce their pregnancy, planned or accidental.
But to know it was on accident or without having a care in the world, it hurts. It makes me question why things were so easy for that person.
It sends me into another “Why Me” stage that I just don’t want to dive into again. It brings rage, it brings sadness, it brings hurt. Please, just avoid telling me about the accident part. Please, save your friend from another crying episode, she doesn’t need to hear this.
Her hormones are already crazy, especially, if she’s started a treatment cycle.
8. “Just enjoy it being the two of you, you don’t need a baby right now”
Who are you to decide when a child is appropriate for my significant other and myself. I know you say that and you probably mean well, but, it’s flat out rude.
If your friend is opening up to you about their infertility struggles, then obviously she and her significant other have discussed if they feel that they are ready for a child.
They’ve talked finances and life decisions and have made the decision to try to get pregnant.
Yes, they can enjoy the time that they have together, absolutely.
But don’t tell your friend that they don’t NEED a baby right now. That’s like telling a hungry person that they don’t need to eat anything right now, just enjoy the feeling of hunger.
Really!? No, you wouldn’t tell someone that. Don’t even think of saying these words to your friend.
To download this printable— about what NOT to ask your friend— click THIS
4 Things you SHOULD tell your friend who is struggling with infertility issues:
- I believe in you and support you in this journey.
- Can you educate me, tell me how I can help you and make any of this easier for you?
- I’m here if you need anything.
- We should go out and have a girls night.
If you’ve been through infertility and have any questions or thoughts to share, please feel free to comment in the comment areas.
We are trying to spread infertility awareness and how to actually show support to your friends or family going through these struggles, not hurt them.
If they’re opening up to you about their infertility journey, they must really trust you.
Don’t misuse that trust. Build it even stronger. It takes a lot to open up about such a personal and taboo subject.
Feel free to share any questions you would or wouldn’t want to ask when you or a friend are dealing with infertility in the comments below.
If you’re the one who is struggling… You need to get the 10 easy and fun ways to reconnect with your spouse while going through infertility printable.
They’re ten fun ways to rekindle that spark with your significant other during this trying time in your life.
I also wanted to take a second to share this awesome ebook with you if you’re the one struggling with infertility. It’s called Infertility is a Diagnosis, not a Definition.
It’s a very empowering ebook that teaches you ways to mentally cope with your diagnosis without letting it consume you. If it sounds like something you’re interested in, give it a read.