I am so excited to share our newest guest post with all of you! This one is brought to you by Sunit Suchdev with Modern Mommy Prep School. I have been admiring her work for quite some time now. She does such amazing things and is a mom to twins. So, I reached out to her and asked her to share this with us. She’s very strong and realistic and it shows through her work. She has been gracious enough to share with us five fantastic tips that will help you prepare for motherhood and make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process.
Sunit Suchdev is a speaker, author, and founder of Modern Mommy Prepschool. Modern Mommy Prepschool inspires first time moms to prepare better for motherhood so they aren’t losing themselves in it. Sunit wants to create a movement of moms who are talking about all the amazing things they are doing instead of talking about all that they are not getting done. You can join the movement and listen to the podcast over at www.modernmommyprepschool.com
How to Prepare for Motherhood So You Don’t Lose Yourself
When I started IVF, I knew I was in for a rollercoaster, but the amount of money, energy, and heartache that went into trying to have a baby was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. When I started seeing other women falling apart as they became moms, I knew one thing: I did not want to go through all this only to wish I hadn’t. I am not one of those people that looks around and thinks “that’s not going to be me”. I’m the person that goes “HOW can I make sure that is not me?”. So I got to work. I started talking to women who looked like they were rocking motherhood, the moms who had everything I wanted. A happy life, a great career or business, and a lifestyle that satisfied everything they had ever dreamed their life would be. These women never complained that they had lost themselves, in fact, they were MORE happy than they had ever been.
Here are the top things I did BEFORE my babies were born (by the way, we ended up having twins!) to ensure I was truly prepared and could parent my kids without losing myself:
1. Change, Set and Have Realistic Expectations I took stock of my current lifestyle and really thought about how feasible it would be to maintain it post baby.
Remember the “sugar bag baby” project in middle school? Where you have to have this “baby” for 24 hours and take it with you everywhere you go so you will realize how HARD it is to actually have a baby? It was very enlightening as an 8th grader to realize that no, I couldn’t go hang out with my friends at the park and leave my “baby” at home and no I couldn’t have a shower and leave it in my room. Understand your current lifestyle, social situation, career, finances, hobbies, etc, and know they will change. That is the reality, and the difference between those who look at the glass half empty and glass half full, lies in what their expectations are. Manage your expectations.
2. Know your SELF-and then plan to not lose her.
I think women lose themselves easily after becoming moms because they haven’t strongly anchored themselves in their pre-baby life. Know what makes you happy in life. You should know what you love to do and what feeds your mind body and soul. Surely, you know what your passions are and how you handle change, difficult times and sleep deprivation.
If you know what you’re made of, what your great qualities are, and what qualities show up when you’re tired, you will be much more likely to be prepared. Do you know where your happy place is? Do you meditate? Like to cook? Do yoga? Love shopping? Know what your absolute non- negotiables for nurturing yourself are. If you know that you need uninterrupted time every day, chat with your hubby or family members about a set time you can have that. These are all things I thought about ahead of time. I PURPOSELY prepared to not lose myself. It sneaks up on you so you have to plan for it!
3. Drop the pride and build your village.
So many women think that giving up their identity and becoming a mom is just the way it’s supposed to be. They think they are supposed to do it all on their own and not ask for help. If you have done steps 1 and 2, you should have a pretty good idea of where you might need some time and some help so set your village up now. In addition to your partner, you must line up a support system ahead of time. It is not enough to say “I’ll call you if I need you” or for others to say “call me if you need me”. No. Put pen to paper and assign tasks NOW. If you know you don’t do well with sleep deprivation, hire a night nurse, or at least have one on back up. If you want to be able to go back to work or your business because that is YOUR thing-great! Prepare yourself for it. ASK for help. Asking for help IS self-care.
4. Let go
If you can’t operate as an independent person and enjoy your own company and doing things for yourself because you are too busy wondering if your partner or your village is taking care of your baby as well as you do, you are going to miss your chance at truly taking care of yourself. Not only does letting go of control feel so good because suddenly you are free to just focus on yourself, but it is incredibly empowering for those that are helping. People always ask me how it is that I get my husband to help out with the kids so much. It seems like such a funny question to me. First of all, he is their dad. I don’t have to GET him to do anything. He wants to. The problem lies in when women say they want help but then don’t like the way it’s given. The ability to let go is like a muscle. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more others WANT to help…but it is also incredibly healthy for your brain to not be stressing about other things and just be present in the moment, enjoying whatever it is you are doing.
5. Say goodbye to the guilt
Finally, I will say it, but, me saying it probably won’t convince you. This one is just going to have to be something you really work at. Whatever stories you’ve told yourself, whatever limiting beliefs you have and whatever you learned from your own childhood, that is causing you to feel guilty for wanting to preserve yourself and prioritize your self-care, say goodbye to it. You can NOT be as good of a mom to your kids when you are not whole.
Give your family the GIFT of a happy, healthy you. There are unique things about you and only you, that the people in your life love. If you let those slip away after you have kids, you will be depriving your children of the amazing person you once were and you will be depriving people of the woman they once knew. If you can hold on to yourself, you will see how incredibly powerful you can be once you become a mom.
These are all such wonderful tips from a fantastic mother. I find that I, myself, have trouble with a couple of these from time to time. Recently, I have a hard time dealing with guilt and letting others help care for our daughter. It’s been hard to learn to swallow the pride of thinking that I have to do everything for her and let others help me care for her. It’s definitely not an easy thing for me to deal with and cope with. I’m openly admitting that. I feel that it may be extra hard for me mentally because we had to go through so much to get pregnant and then had such a complicated pregnancy with her and I was determined to do everything I could to keep her safe once I had her. ( To read more about our crazy pregnancy, check out that post) I’m not using that as an excuse. I’m just trying to find out how and why things are complicated for me. So, if you’re struggling with any of these or have other tips to help keep up with yourself, please share them in the comments below! We hope you enjoyed these tips in helping yourself prepare for motherhood. If you’re the mama in waiting that is reading this post, just waiting for your time, make sure you get the printable to help you and your spouse stay connected while you go through the infertility journey together. Dealing with infertility can be a stressful time, physically, mentally and emotionally, to say the least. You want to make sure that you and your significant other can stay close and keep the spark alive through this trying time.
Grab that free printable today!
Jess says
Very well said!
Sarah Althouse says
Trying to get pregnant now so keeping these tips in mind for later!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Good luck! Feel free to read other posts on my blog, I share quite a bit about fertility and such
Shen Mi says
These are great tips for a mom-to-be!
Bekah says
I like this, and I wish I had set myself up before having children. And even now, it’s hard to remember to take care of myself! I love this for soon to be mommies.
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Thanks for reading and sharing! Motherhood is hard but very rewarding
Melissa Javan says
These are such great tips – glad you went the route to ask around before going into parenting, bold and good move. Thumbs up! Nothing prepares you for parenthood though lol, but it’s good to have some kind of idea. The village thing was tough for me, because I live far away from family members. Had to build up one that didn’t have blood family (relatives).
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Thanks for sharing! It sure isn’t easy but we can do it
Brittany Ferrell says
I loved this post so much because I, too, waited a long time for motherhood. It is everything that I ever dreamed of and more, but it is also more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It is easier to lose yourself in motherhood than one would think! Relying on your tribe and partner is great advice! Sometimes it is hard to ask for help, but it is harder to actually do it all! I also love the reminder to get rid of mom guilt. I am still working on this one!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience ? Sorry you had to wait too, but you’re so right, it’s totally worth the wait!
Brittany says
I’m super excited to become a mom. I know things will be different but I’m okay with that because I’ve waited so long to have kids. I know it will be hard at times but it will be worth it.
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Keep that in mind! It’s totally worth it ? I know the pain of waiting, but, that makes it even more amazing when you finally get to snuggle that sweetie
Lisa says
It is of utmost importance that moms set some boundaries and realistic expectations before the baby comes. Life will never be the same again and it is good to have thought these things thru beforehand!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Great point! Thanks for sharing ?
Leah says
Posts like this are so needed! I wish I had read this before I had my baby. Thanks for sharing!
Alex says
Such good points! I never struggled with mom guilt until my second baby, but so true that we need to just get over it! So important to take care of ourselves. So glad you were blessed with your babies ?
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Thanks for sharing! I know I struggle with the guilt and I am so glad that Sunit was able to share this amazing post with us 🙂
Melanie says
Great advice, especially dropping the guilt, I think Mums have an inbuilt guilt gauge that is hard to quieten. xx
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Melanie, I completely agree with you. Thanks for reading and sharing 🙂
Jehava says
This is so great! I think these tips are so helpful for sure as this is something everyone mom struggles with.
Elizabeth says
I’m pregnant with my first, and we just got a puppy! So I feel like I have had some foretaste of what is to come. Losing what I feel makes me “me” is definitely something I have worried a bit about. At the same time, I know that I will soon add a new dimension to what “me” is, one that is so rewarding!
Thanks for these tips!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Good luck with the baby and have fun with the puppers! Just remember to make you time 🙂
April Kitchens says
Great post! Wish I could have read something like this before I became a mom. I lost myself almost immediately but am slowly getting back to the way I used to be.
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Great job on getting yourself back. It is quite hard to do sometimes. But, you’ve got this mama!
Becca @ Homemakers In Action says
Saying goodbye to the guilt is the absolute most important thing every new mama has to do!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Agreed! Thanks for sharing.
Corey | The Nostalgia Diaries says
My daughter is 6 and I still have to work on letting go of the guilt. Great tips!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Glad to know I’m not the only one. 🙂 my daughter is much younger but it’s a battle everyday.
Melissa says
These are excellent tips! There is no reason to lose yourself after becoming a Mom. Thanks for sharing!
Carissa says
Excellent! Thanks for sharing! This is a constant battle because as a mom you want the best for you children and from Day 1 you focus on them and it’s actually to lose yourself a little bit. My youngest will be 3 in October and I feel that I am still working to get back to where I want to be!
Emily @ Pizza & Pull-ups says
Love this, thanks for sharing!
Brenda says
Interesting post! I think it’s normal to an extent to lose yourself in beginning motherhood. What matters is that you find yourself again.
Meg Smidt says
I became a mom overnight (at age 27) to my husbands 5 kids from his first marriage and totally lost myself in the first few years of our journey together. It took me some time to find myself again, but I am so thankful I did! We’ve been married for 13 years now and i wouldn’t have life any other way xoxo
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Congrats Meg! It’s a big step and a big thing to take on children who may not be your own biologically. But, that’s amazing that you did! It definitely takes some time to get back in our own shoes and feel like ourself again. Congrats on thirteen years of marriage and getting to be apart of 5 wonderful childrens’ lives.
Lisa says
Beautiful post, I love the build a village part. The more girlfriends you have for support, the better!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
I agree 100% Lisa. The more support you have in general, the better you’ll be at whatever you’re trying to accomplish.
Rachel says
Oh this is so so so good! I wish I had this list before becoming a mom but I think I’m doing alright even though I didn’t have it.
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Way to go Rachel. “Momming” ain’t easy 😉
Lexi says
This is so true! It’s really important to banish the mommy guilt. I think that’s been the most stressful part of motherhood for me – feeling guilty when comparing myself to other moms and worry that I’m not doing enough. I’ve finally learned that I just need to focus on my own family and have more realistic expectations for myself. I’m letting go of perfection!
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Way to go Lexi! I agree the guilt is real. It’s definitely hard to not compare yourself, but, we are better off without doing it.
Lisa says
Wow I love this so much! I just had my 3rd baby and I can relate to each one of these. I can see my own growth from baby 1 to baby 3 and still there are so many ways I am still learning to grow through these various ways. This one is a keeper.
onesharpmamablog@gmail.com says
Thanks for sharing Lisa! Congrats on three wonderful children.
Mary Leigh says
Great post. My favorite tips: Letting go and saying goodbye to the guilt. Both essential! Thanks for sharing this!
Steph Social says
These are great tips!! I definitely felt like I’ve lost a little bit of myself after my second 🙁 but I’m working on it!